A cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing” (Boswell 67). As Samuel Johnson illustrates so clearly in the quote above, the cucumber is a disgrace to food everywhere. Studies nationwide have found the cucumber to be the most disliked of all vegetables (Emout 22). In a study I myself conducted, 90% of respondents said they would never even grow the vegetable in their garden, for fear of its terrible qualities spreading to their other vegetables. Because of its consistency and taste, the cucumber is the grossest food in the human diet. “One of the most important factors in determining a food’s success or failure in popularity is its consistency” (Right 104).
Something that tastes slimy when being chewed automatically results in a feeling of disgust. Such is one of the many problems that plagues the cucumber. The interior has a texture similar to moist fish scales: not hard, but not soft.
Drs. Moe, Larry, and Curly explain: Basically, the cucumber incorporates water into the construction of its inner and outer skin. In doing so, the hydrocarbons from the cucumber plant only partially bind to one another due to the magnetic interference from the extra water molecules. This partial binding creates the unusual texture experienced when a person bites into a cucumber, and adds to the intense flavor.
(Fine 433) As the good doctors above so clearly articulated, the cucumber’s poor texture is a direct result of its own development. The Center For Steve is Always Right (CFSAR), in a study contacted last year, found only 6% of Americans didn’t mind the gross feel of the cucumber plant (CFSAR). In creating a disgusting surface, it has made its survival much more likely since no one wants to eat something so vile. Or has it? Maybe we should exterminate the horrific plant, but that discussion shall be left for another day.
We turn now to the cucumber’s taste, another deplorable aspect to an already horrible food. Perhaps one of humankind’s most valued sense is the sense of taste. In America, one could argue it is used too much. Regardless, the sense of taste helps to weed out those foods that don’t quite make the grade. At the top of this “weed out” list is the cucumber.
According to esteemed researcher Kenneth Toomuchtimeonhishands, the cucumber has the “lowest success rate in initial taste tests of any food” (96). It shouldn’t be of any real surprise; the cucumber tastes like some wet seaweed plucked from the ocean, only worse and unsalted. While this was at one time acceptable, to say a caveman, food has become more of a pleasure than a necessity, especially in developed countries such as the United States. While one might use the argument that if starving, a person would anything, that is too general of a statement to really defend the cucumber. Under those pretenses, I might also eat tree bark. According to Dr.
Yahrite, tree bark actually has more nutritional benefit than the cucumber (34). Therefore, there wouldn’t even be a necessity to eat the cucumber…