Call me a deserter, say that I’m cowardly. Call me insane, because I can’t exercise a happy life. If you took a step in my shoes, perhaps you’d see how unhappy I am with myself. The truth is I don’t want people to feel bitter for me, only offering sympathy and cold remarks. Lending encouragement only to heckle from afar. Please just leave me isolated with my own thoughts, because I’ve become fatigued on life.
A fatigue with only a single resolve. It may sound erratic but I’m despondent with life, stressed with life. Perhaps if I saw life as you did, I could finally be jubilant? You say take it one step at a time, but how many steps does one need to take? If I stopped walking would you feel adrift? Because honestly the world is far better off without me. I get goosebumps from the cold leather as I bind my neck. A deafening silence takes over as I relish my concluding breath of the world.
I step forward. Forward until the Earth falls from beneath me. My eyes roll back and the frantic chaos turns into stillness.
I hope you got what you wanted. I hope you’re happier now. I used to beam but now I’m in the dark. I said take it one step at a time, but it’s too late for that now.
I hope you can hear me, because I’ve got a lot to get off my chest. Perhaps it’s my fault? Perhaps I should’ve taken more care when it came to you? I read your letter and all I could do was feel dismal, but I’ll forever be attached to you. How could you be so selfish? Part of me feels contrite for you, whilst part of me feels like you’re a coward.
I don’t mean to be crass but I can’t fathom how we couldn’t have prevented this? What do you have to say for yourself? Truthfully I feel adrift without you, and saying I’m okay would be dishonest. I wish I could just reach inside your casket and pull you out. I wish I could hear you now. Hear your side.
Hear anything, as long as it’s you. Tell me what death is like, and If you could do it again would you have done it differently? Tell me anything, just not that the world is better off without you. A deafening silence takes over as I watch a few hurdled men lower a gritty wooden casket into a seemingly endless void. I drop to my knees.
The Earth falls from beneath me. I wipe my tears and the searing pain turns into stillness.