EMMA PARSONS(MISS) Yours sincerely I very muchhope that I have helped you to realise that you are a victim of dating abuse.
It is difficult to come to terms with, butwith time and help you can get back to living your own life, free from hisshadow. Please take action now and do not leave it any longer – it will onlyget worse. I hope youcan see now that you are being abused and so the next step is to get out ofthis harmful relationship. I recommend that you reach out to your family andclose friends for help. If not them, then a trusted teacher or your schoolphycologist (if you have one).
Do not be afraid, there will be someone who canhelp you. This is not your fault and you should not feel at all embarrassed. Contactan organisation that can help you leave your relationship. TEARS is afoundation that helps many people in situations like yours. They have a hotlineso that you can call them and ask for help. They are professionals and theywill tell you the safest way to get out. When you contact and research them,use a safe phone and/or computer so that your boyfriend does not find out. Makesure, that once you have successfully left him, you receive therapy.
This hasbeen a very traumatic experience and you will need good counselling to helpyou. You are instage three of the cycle of abuse: reconciliation. This is clear becausetensions built in stage one as he gradually began controlling and manipulatingyou, then there were incidents in stage two when he began hitting you andcurrently he has been threatening to kill you or himself if you leave him. Threateningsuicide or killing is a common method that abusers use to evoke sympathy andfear in their victims and is a clear sign that you have reached stage three ofabuse.
After this comes stage four: calm. Do not be fooled; he will apologiseand give excuses and the incident will be “forgotten”. Do not believe him whenhe says it won’t happen again; after stage four the cycle begins again. Do notfall into his trap. Firstly, you need to know that dating abuse is any kind of physical, emotional,sexual or verbal manipulation, intimidation, assault, humiliation or bullyingdone to a person in a relationship. Your boyfriend is obsessively jealous, hecontrols you by telling you what to wear and where you can and cannot go, hechecks your cellular phone, he is extremely possessive (he calls you far toooften), he hits you and he threatens your life and his.
These are all forms ofabuse and sure signs of dating abuse. It is not normal or acceptable behaviour andit will not change, no matter what he tells you. I have read your story and I need to inform you that yourcurrent relationship with your boyfriend is an abusive one. Although you maynot want to accept it, you are a victim of dating abuse and you are beingmanipulated.
Your abusive relationship Dear Johanna 2196JohannesburgLinden5 Woodmead Street28 January 20182193JohannesburgGreenside170 Mowbray RoadLetter toJohanna:PART 2 Post Net Suite 414Private Bag X9Benmore2010GautengSouth AfricaPostal Address:Tears FoundationTSEBO85 Protea RoadKingsley Office ParkBlock CChislehurstonSandtonPhysical Address:Helpline: *134*7355#SMS: *134*7355#Landline:010 590 5920Fax:+27 (0) 86 520 0316Email:[email protected] Contact:· TEARS, foundation providing help to victimswho have been abused.P.O.Box 2738Randburg2125Postal address:GENERAL: [email protected]
co.zaIT SYSTEMS: [email protected] & TRAINING: [email protected]: 011 3261330Fax: 011 3261359Cell: 078861 5023Contact:· MOBIEG, center for helping teenagers inviolent relationships. Organizations that can help: 1.9· Gethelp: If you have no idea how to leave arelationship or what to do, call a helpline (there are many).
They will helpyou work out a plan to safely leave, based on your specific situation andcircumstances. · Erasethem from your life: Decide to leave the relationship. Phone yourpartner and tell them it is over, be brief and firm.
Block their contact,change your passwords and even change your phone number if needed. Reach outfor support from friends and family. If you feel you are still in danger oryour now former partner tries to contact you or bother you in any way, contacta helpline. You will need therapy to overcome this traumatic experience. Ifyour former partner threatens you, do not hesitate to contact the police. · The three step plan: 1. Acknowledge the existence of theabuse – You have to accept that you are being abused. Do not down play abuse,no matter what kind.
There is no excuse for abuse and an abusive relationshipcan never be a healthy one. 2. Get help – Call a help organization or reachout to family and friends. There will always be people who will understand andhelp you. 3. Use a safe computer – The National DomesticViolence website gives ways to make a safety plan to get out of a relationship.Use a safe computer to make these plans so your abuser does not find out.
Somerealistic ways to escape an abusive relationship: 1.8 Cycle of abuse: 1.7 · Controllingnature: An abusing partner will become increasinglyprotective and will start controlling every aspect of their partner’s life. Ifa partner is constantly telling their partner what to do they are abusing them.A person has the right to make their own decisions and a controllingrelationship is an unhealthy one.
· Visibleinjuries: If a partner physically hurts their partner inany way it is abuse. This is a way of controlling their partner and is datingabuse. There is no excuse, ever, for purposely hurting a partner. · Isolationfrom family and friends: Abusing partners will seek to isolate theirvictims from everyone else in their lives. If a person is becomes distant andincreasingly absent from family or friends, it is likely a sign of datingabuse. · Explosivetemper and mood swings: Abusive partners will often have dangerouslyquick tempers and sudden mood swings. They can be unpredictable and became veryangry very fast for seemingly no reason.
They can switch from one mood toanother in seconds. This is not normal behavior and can make for a very unsafedating relationship.· Constantinsults: A partner who insults their partner isverbally abusing them. Partners should not be belittling their partners orputting them down. This is manipulative and not a healthy datingrelationship. · Extremejealousy or insecurity: If a partner shows signs of jealously orinsecurity, it could be a sign of abuse. Abusing partners are obsessivelyprotective and become jealous of anyone who could possibly take their victimsaway.
This stems from their insecurity, as they become paranoid that theirpartners will leave or cheat on them. Abusing partners force their victims toput them above everything else in their lives. · Checkingcellular phones: If a partner checks his/her partner’s cellularphones often and/or without permission, it is an invasion of privacy.
Abusingpartners will become obsessively protective and controlling, causing them tocheck constantly on their partner’s texts, emails, social networks andpictures. This is not normal dating behavior and is in fact a form of abuse. Apartner has a right to privacy and is under no obligation to share personalinformation. Partners trying to force this are abusers.
Some warning signs of dating abuse: 1.6When sexting, partners send explicit pictures andmessages to each other. Abusing partners can send images and messages thattheir partners are not comfortable with. Partners can also be forced to sendrevealing pictures of themselves. These pictures can then be used as blackmailor to humiliate the victim partner if the abusing partner shares or threatens toshare them on social media. Therefore cellular phones and social media heavilycontribute towards dating abuse.
Since most people today always have their cellularphones with them, abusing partners can constantly abuse their partners throughinsults, sexting and cyberbullying. For a victim, there is no escape from thisonline abuse. Abusers often demand that their partners unfriend a formerboyfriend or girlfriend on social networks. Social media makes it very easy forabusing partners to embarrass their partners by sharing details about theirrelationship online. Constant messaging, digital disrespect and online crueltyall go hand in hand with dating abuse. Many partnersuse their phones to go online to check on their partners frequently, invadingtheir privacy and not giving them any space or alone time. Partners can forcetheir partners to give them their phones so that they can check their textmessages without permission.
Abusers can force their partners to give themtheir phone passwords so that their partners can have no secrets or privacy.Often, other online passwords are demanded, so that abusing partners can checkevery aspect of their partner’s online lives. This is a violation of a person’sright to privacy and is therefore dating abuse. Contribution of abuse throughuse of cellular phones and social networking: The increased use ofcellular phones and social media websites has made dating abuse very easy andoften contributes to dating abuse. Abusing partners can use phones to spy onand harass their partners.
1.5He always reminded her that shereally was quite unattractive and overweight and that she was very lucky tohave him. · Verbalabuse: When the abusing partnerinsults the victim partner to lower his/her self-esteem.
He forced her to stop wearing skirts and trousers that went above herknees. · Controllingbehavior: When the abusing partner tellsthe victim partner what she/he can and can’t wear.Shetold him she wasn’t ready yet, but he insisted that she needed to show him sheloved him and eventually she gave in.
· Sexualabuse: When the abusing partnerforces the victim partner to have sex with her/him. He slapped her hard across her face when she told him she had spenttime with one of her friends who happened to be a boy.· PhysicalAbuse: When the abusing partner slapsthe victim partner. He said if she didn’t come to the club with him he would break up withher and nobody else would ever want her. · Emotional/Psychologicalabuse: When the abusing partner threatensto break up the victim partner if she/he does not do something. Examples Dating Abuse under the following headings:1.4Victim: Often someone with lowself-esteem, with emotional and economic dependency who has continued faith andhope in abuser, with depression, with stress disorders, with psychosomaticcomplaints, who accepts blame and guilt for violence or abuse, who believes instereotypical gender roles, who appears nervous or anxious, or who has repeatedlyleft, or considered leaving the relationship. They often show physical signs of injury, miss time at work orschool, slip in performance at work or school, have changes in mood orpersonality, increase their use of drugs or alcohol and are increasinglyisolated from friends and family.
Abuser: Often someone who is obsessively jealous orpossessive, very confident, has mood swings, is violent, has a splitpersonality and has an explosive temper. They usually try to isolate theirvictims from everyone else in the victim’s life and often blame their actionson external problems. They are often charming, controlling, insecure, alcoholor drug abusers, forceful, hypersensitive, critical and manipulative.Profile of an abuser and avictim with regards to Dating Abuse: 1.3Definition of dating abuse:Dating abuse is abuse that happens in a relationship. It is done to control adating partner.
Dating abuse is usually a cycle or pattern of various abusive behaviorsover a period of time. The way the abuse occurs and the type of abuse differsfrom relationship to relationship, but all abusive dating relationships haveissues of power and control. Abusive behavior includes sexual, physical,emotional and verbal abuse. Dating abuse often worsens over time. It can happento anyone, including partners in opposite-sex relationships and same-sexrelationships. People of all ages, races, genders, classes, religions andeducation levels can be affected.
1.2Definition of Abuse: Abuse is any kind of physical,emotional, sexual or verbal manipulation, intimidation, assault, humiliation orbullying done to a person or even an animal. Abuse can happen anywhere toanyone. It can be because of a person’s religion, race, gender, abilities,sexual orientation or simply because the abuser wants to feel powerful. Peopleabuse others to control them, often taking advantage of their trust ordependency, making them feel vulnerable.
Abuse is when people misuse theirpower in a relationship to hurt someone. Abuse can happen in families, placesof worship, neighbourhoods, schools, etc. Abuse can affect young and old, poorand rich and educated and un-educated.
1.1PART 1By Emma ParsonsRELATIONSHIPS AND THEIR INFLUENCE ON WELL-BEINGFORMAL LIFE ORIENTATION ASSESSMENT