She was the person that comforted me in times of need when no one was there. She supported and encouraged me to keep going , no matter what. She was the only one , who adored and loved me. She was the only one I could trust. Her name is Ana and I met her when I was 14 years old.
When I was 14 years old , I faced criticism and bullying for the first time , I was called a “fatty” , “_____” . It was tough to endure , I was lonely and ashamed of myself. Every time I looked at my bulging belly , I hated myself. I despised how I looked , my personality , everything about me. That was when she came , like the soothing ____, she came to help. The only time , I felt reassured and loved. I followed her advice , a banana for breakfast , a fruit bowl for lunch and an apple for dinner. After a week or so , I was mentally and physically enervated and hungry.
It was tough to endure that ferocious(?) growling in my stomach and I felt light-headed. I was extremely sensitive , raging at little things and raising my voice at my classmates. I was frustrated at Ana , nothing was going well , I was not getting better , I felt worse. The anxiety that arrests me even when eating an extra apple was terrible and too much. I pushed her away and returned to my usual routine of eating huge portions of food. Sweets , ice cream , processed junk , I ate everything to my heart’s content. Soon , I ballooned to an even larger size.
I struggled with migraines and I frequently found myself alone in school. Without my approval , Ana decided that she has to step in. She was always waiting patiently for me and she knew I needed her at this time.
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We started from having a daily walk and she corrected my problematic eating habits. My sedentary lifestyle was no more. Things started to improve. By July , I had lost 4kg. It was a small improvement but I was enviled and so was Ana.
I lied to everyone who was concerned saying that I just had puberty late and I was growing taller and thus lost some weight , which was nothing to worry about. Ana said , “You’re doing well, what a great liar.”By my birthday , I had cut my calories to 900. I was not always hungry and thought that there was no harm to lose more weight .
Despite having a fear of the ominous “starvation mode” which was associated with any lower number of calories, we went from 900 calories to 400 calories per day and walked more than 10,000 steps. To fasten the process of losing weight , I gradually increased my steps to 30,000. The numbers on the scale dropped and I was more confident about myself.
I never felt so contented with my weight and body. Ana was satisfied and said , “Excellent , by next month , you will be prettier and skinnier.”However , on the opposite , my parents were worried about my health. I missed my periods and those prominent bones gave me away. Sheesh , what is she so worried about? You are gorgeous now, Ana said.I was dragged to the doctor who told me to gain weight to “recover”.
My BMI was too low and it was too dangerous if I were to go home. I had to be admitted into the hospital and had to follow a strict diet plan. I felt like I was becoming who I was again. I felt isolated and I spiralled into a cycle of depression. I cried into the bedsheets every night , quietly whimpering in _____ sadness.
Having to be back to my old self , I did not want Ana to be hurt. I wanted her to leave for good as I am(and will always be) a disappointment and there was no way to help me out of this.Ana was desperate to help me , but could not interfere. She left with the notion of coming back when I was free from the clutches of my parents , when I am no longer trapped by adolescence.Do not fret , fear not , I will be back and we will be together soon , forever and always.
