The past few weeks, maybe even months if I dare to admit it, I’ve been struggling with my disposition. Those close to me may argue that, “No, that Cancer the Crab is just always crabby and inside her shell,” but really, I feel that the original (slight, very slight) crabbiness has possibly been multiplied by, maybe 20, and then exponentially expanded or whatever mathematical term means that it’s been multiplied again and again and reproduced over and over. I’m terrible at Math, mostly by choice, and really should just avoid using any algebraic references whatsoever.But I do know for sure that I’ve been struggling with some sort of subtraction of zest, confidence, joie in myself lately. Maybe people have noticed, maybe they haven’t. But I have, and perhaps that’s the biggest indication that there may be a problem, when it gets bad enough to merit an admission. The reasons for my visit to the doldrums, I have been working out, working with, and working through, and I’m definitely not going to post them here. However I will say that this struggle of “working through” is a golly-gee-whiz, gosh-darn, hard-little-egg-to-crack of a phase.
It’s excruciatingly difficult.That is not me today.I’ve been told so many times that I create the worries and stress in my own head. Yes, that is, as a matter of fact, true. Our personal mental and emotional states are usually, more often than not, with certain exceptions, products of choice, and we can elect to climb out of the doldrums.
Happiness, positivity, seeing the glass as half-full — all choices. All choices, that are, really, very easy to declare, but very difficult to see through to completion.If I was a little more, maybe, ignorant, or passive, or even selfish, fireballs, ghouls and bad things should just bounce off me and leave me unscathed.
I marvel at the fully awake, functioning and aware, who know the pain of the universe and the dark secrets of the world, and are still able to go through their days in a glide of bliss and with a delighted pep in their step. That’s me on some days, the good days, but not every day. I want that to be me every day.So here’s to “working through” the bad, and choosing to be positive, choosing to be light.
Ironically, focusing on the good while the bad mocks us infuriatingly right in front of our eyes, may be quite the hellish ordeal. But perhaps that’s why, when we succeed, after we unravel ourselves from the pretzel, it’s pure zen.