To my breath, There’s no more fighting left,

To Mom”I Look To You”As I lay me down,Heaven hear me now.I’m lost without a causeafter giving it my all.Winter storms have comeAnd darkened my sun.

After all that I’ve been throughWho on earth can I turn to?I look to you.I look to you.After all my strength is gone,In you I can be strongI look to you.I look to you.And when melodies are gone,In you I hear a song.I look to you.About to lose my breath,There’s no more fighting left,Sinking to rise no more,Searching for that open door.

My levees are brokenMy walls have comeTumbling down on meThe rain is falling.Defeat is calling.I need you to set me free.Take me far away from the battle.I need you.Shine on me.I look to you.I look to you.

After all my strength is gone,In you I can be strongI look to you.I look to you.And when melodies are gone,In you I hear a song.I look to you.Awesome song from Whitney Houston, “I look toyou…my walls are broken.30th of November will forever lingerin my heart, it was the darkness days of my life, seeing mom laying there, andnothing I could do, lifeless.

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My heart broke into pieces, broken and shattered,my spirit dwindled and my faith on hinge. I stared at Mom, I stared at themachines surrounding mom, and tears just streamed down, I was hurting inside, Icalled to God to give me a miracle, I knew Mom was a fighter and I knew shewould come out of this. My Mom was the pillar in our family. For three days Momlay in the ICU, I believed, I held on to hope, I knew beyond doubt this was apassing cloud, and anytime Mom would be wide awake and back home. The doctorskept giving us the prognosis, but in my heart, I knew Mom would wake up. I wasnot denial but I knew God is the healer, and he will give us a miracle. Thetime Mom was in the ICU I used to literary camp in the hospital. On 30thof November Optimistic as I was, we were called in around 7:45p.

m. Mom hadbreathed her last…I was angry annoyed and truly lost. Why? We went into theroom to say Goodbye to Mom, until today I cannot piece together what happened,as the machines kept making noise Mom was slipping away, my heart was broken.My faith was tested, why us again I kept asking. Why Mom? Why and endless Why. Iheld Mom hand, I was so angry, I knew Mom had fought her battle, I Knew Mom wascoming out, and Mom was asleep. We had just lost dad 1Year 8 Months Again, we hadnot even grieved Dad. I felt emotionally tired.

Mom was not sick; mom was inhospital just for test. I needed someone to explain what happened. I neededanswers.

I felt this heavy burden on me. I have never wanted to write about grief, I findmyself spaced out most of the time, it’s a slow motion pace inside a bubblewhich I see an altered world. Outside its noisy and cluttered inside itssilence and muted sounds.My world fell apart after my mom died.

I was bombardedwith so many different feelings and emotions. Grief. Guilt.

Anger. Sadness.Emptiness. Confusion, I had never felt so lost, I was holding on strong forher, seeing her lying in the ICU I knew my mom would make it, I knew it wasjust temporary and she would come out strong, and she would laugh at all the”nonsense” we kept telling her when she was lying in the ICU.

I knew we wouldlaugh about it. I never knew it would happen to my mom. Not my mom.  She was a strong woman, a fighter, she wouldfight for herself and us, I kept telling myself. As much as the doctorprognosis was not all that butterfly, I knew my mom would beat this.

I foughtfor her. You know Mom was not sick, my mom had checked into the hospital justfor test, so we knew after the test Mom will be back.  Trying to figure out what happened in a span of a weekor a day has become a nightmare for me. How?  I cannot even process what happened from testto ICU, and the demise of my Mom. Most of the time I feel like it is a storybeing told, out of body experience, it is like a reading a novel. For me,nothing makes sense at all.  My mom deathechoed within the complete emptiness that seemed to fill every inch of me.

I amstruggling with this barrage of emotions. I went about my every day routine ofwork, but on the inside, I was a complete mess. I have tried to push asideemotion inside my being, because it is to heavy and fresh, and I do not think Ican be able to deal with the loss of my parent. Every time I think about mymom, and tears flow, my eyes pain.

It is too much. I started writing to try to make sense of all that Iwas feeling. Words laced with pain and tears poured out of me as I typed away.  I love you, Mom.

I know that it is natural for me tomiss you, even now. I wish we could make new memories together, but I hope youknow that the memories of the times we spent together always bring me happiness.I hoped and prayed that you would this. I know you are with me in spirit andwere there helping me to rebuild my life.